Christian Gaslighting- Using Forgiveness and Love as Weapons

Gaslighting is a form of psychological torture where the perpetrator denies reality so vehemently that the victims doubt their own sanity.  This tactic of abuse is often utilized by narcissists to deny any culpability for their actions.  However, gaslighting can occur in a church setting where the pastoral leadership and the overall attitudes of congregants deny the reality of abuse.  Biblical concepts such as love and forgiveness are often sprinkled on top of abusive behavior as a way to shift the blame to the victim and deny the reality that many so-called Christians are actively engaged in abusive behavior at church.  Here are three phrases often found in Christian Gaslighting. 

• “I’m sensing a lot of bitterness from you.” 

A married man tries to forcefully give a kiss to a young woman at the threshold of her apartment after helping her move.  The young woman reports this incident to her pastor and the married man distances himself from the church for a few weeks.  However, after this brief withdrawal the man returns to church and is allowed to hold a leadership position on the deacon board.  When word of his offense begins to spread, his wife instigates a narrative that the young woman was chasing after her husband.  The people in the church begin to antagonize the young woman and accuse of her behaving promiscuously.  When the young woman makes a complaint to her pastor about how she is being treated, the pastor simply replies, “I’m sensing a lot of bitterness from you.” 

Accusing someone of being bitter also negates any responsibility the leadership has in dealing with the problem. 

The accusation of bitterness places blame on the young woman for simply being upset about the situation.  It criminalizes her response to being mistreated, even though it is perfectly reasonable for her to be upset about the events that transpired.  Accusing someone of being bitter also negates any responsibility the leadership has in dealing with the problem.  The pastor failed to take appropriate action against a married man trying to forcefully come on to another woman.  The pastor also failed to intercede between the people in the church when a false narrative spread through the congregation.  In addition to the pastor, the people themselves lacked any accountability in terms of their response to the false narrative.  Rather than take any pains to investigate whether or not the accusation of “promiscuity” was true or find out what had actually occurred, the church folk attacked the victim. 

With the pastor being in a position of power, the claim of “bitterness” would appear to be an accurate assessment of the situation.  The power dynamic between the pastoral leadership and the young woman would make it difficult for her to recognize that labeling her as “bitter” while the church fails to address the situation with married man is abusive.  Instead, she will be more likely to internalize the label of bitterness and doubt herself.  She becomes the blame for the situation as the church denies any culpability in mishandling abuse within its institution. 

The reality about bitterness is that bitterness is not actually a sin.  Pastors often preach about bitterness to create a narrative that bitterness is a sin, but the Bible never lists bitterness as a sin.  In the book of Ruth, Namoi had experienced widowhood and the loss of her two sons.  Grief stricken she no longer wanted to be called Namoi, but Mara—meaning bitter.  This bitterness was not counted towards her as sin, but instead she was granted renewed hope through the kinsman redeemer, Boaz who married her daughter-in-law and raised up an heir in the name of her departed son.  This child in the name of a bitter woman turned out to be in the linage of Messiah. 

Another example about bitterness can be found when God sent Ezekiel out to prophesize.  Upon receiving the word of God in his mouth the Bible describes Ezekiel going out, “in fury and bitterness.”  If the direct word of God to a prophet causes bitterness, it is clearly not a sin.  Redefining bitterness as a sin is a means to criminalize people for reasonable emotions and gaslight them into believing they are at fault when the church fails to uphold its values. 

• “Can you ever forgive this person?” 

The day I funeralized my father I had to deal with a whirlwind of emotions from anger, to grief, to confusion.  From the moment he took his last breath, I had been running nonstop handling the funeral arrangements and cleaning the literal and metaphorical messes he left behind.  My sleep had been plagued with a week of night terrors, memories from the past, and constant flashbacks to the vacant stare in my father’s eyes after witnessing the life depart from his body.  The chaos had overtaken so much of my life that I was hardly prepared to deliver my remarks when called upon during the funeral service.  While mulling over what I should have said after the fact, I had an uncle -by marriage- complain about the food that had been selected for the repast.  For everything that I had been through during the lifetime of my father and the shear misery that accompanied his death, all my uncle could think about was how the food I selected didn’t suit his palette.  Not only was he presumptuous enough to make my father’s funeral about his taste, but he had the gall to complain about it aloud where I could hear him. 

From the way he said it, I knew his words were not a slipup of social protocol, but a deliberate complaint against my decision-making process for the funeral.  He spoke with the arrogance of someone who had become accustomed to saying whatever he wanted because as a senior there wasn’t anyone older than him to inflict consequences for being out of line.  In addition to age, this uncle also had the protection of social status.  He had once graced the cover of Ebony magazine for a historic accomplishment being one of the first Black police chiefs in a major Southern city.  Snapping at him meant attacking the embodiment of years of Black progress. 

Yet, to have overcome such racial boundaries, he clearly understood the effect of disrespect and should have known better than to openly complain about food the day of my father’s funeral.  I lit into him saying, “Considering how this is my father’s funeral, maybe I wasn’t concerned about what you think, and it’d be better for you to just keep your mouth shut!”  Rather than this uncle recognize these angry words as a rebuke for his inappropriate conduct at the funeral, he took offense.  He later complained about my reaction and declared that I was no longer welcome in his house.  He sent his wife to demand and apology from me.  During a separate hostile change of words, I was confronted with more Christian gaslighting, “Can’t you just forgive?” 

I was attacked with forgiveness as a way for this uncle to deny the reality of his wrongdoing.  My reaction to his tasteless remark was used as evidence against me. 

I was attacked with forgiveness as a way for this uncle to deny the reality of his wrongdoing.  My reaction to his tasteless remark was used as evidence against me.  The insistence that I should just forgive was an attempt to make me doubt my own character.  When dealing with narcissistic behaviors such as gaslighting, victims often find themselves apologizing to the offender.  Victims are often made to feel as though they are bad people for simply wanting to be treated with basic courtesies. 

In Christian gaslighting the accusatory question, “Can’t you just forgive,” is designed to make the victim feel as though they are a bad person for being hurt or seeking vindication.  It denies any reasonable expectation of upright behavior from others, and it pressures victims to apologize to offenders.  However, Yeshua (Jesus) made it clear that forgiveness is not just a means for offenders evade responsibility for their actions.  Luke 17: 3 “Watch yourselves!  If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.” 

Yeshua (Jesus) instructed his followers to rebuke someone who sins.  By definition, a rebuke is a sharp disapproval of a behavior.  Therefore, the common complaint from a Christian gaslighter that the problem was “the way you said it,” is not applicable to rebuking sin.  After the rebuke, forgiveness only takes place if he repents.  To repent is to express sincere regret and to turn from the behavior.  Without changed behavior and sincere remorse, the expectation of forgiveness is only manipulation from a Christian gaslighter. 

• “That’s something you need to go to God about.” 

Christie, a character in the film The Curse of EVE, felt uncomfortable with the church she was attending with her husband.  She did not like the environment or the way the pastor dismissively responded to her theological question.  She suggested going to another church her husband rebuffed the idea.  When she expressed her upset about the situation her husband flippantly replied, “That’s just something you need to go to God about.” 

Telling someone to go to God about a situation is a way perpetrators deny their contribution to a problem.  Rather than acknowledge any responsibility in the problem a Christian gaslighter will deflect the blame onto the victim by claiming “your problem is with God, not me.”  The perpetrator uses God as a scapegoat rather than acknowledge the effect their actions have upon others.  The Scriptures make it clear that a relationship with God cannot function as a substitute for respectful interactions with other people.  Matthew 5:23-24 So if you are offering your gift at the Temple alter and you remember there that your brother has something against you, leave your gift where it is by the alter, and go and make peace with your brother.  Then come back and offer your gift. 

Telling someone to go to God about a situation is a way for a Christian gaslighter to shift the blame to the victim. 

God does not even want an offering from someone who has offended their brother.  Therefore, it is the responsibility of the one who committed the offense to reconcile with the one with whom they have offended before going to God.  Telling someone to go to God about a situation is a way for a Christian gaslighter to shift the blame to the victim.  The one who committed the offense is directly responsible to make peace with the person they have offended; not deflect by sending the offended party to God. 

Gaslighting is a tactic to exert power and control over another person by undermining their mental state.  Perpetrators gaslight as a way to deny their abusive behavior and blame the victim.  Christian gaslighting involves the misuse of biblical concepts, such as forgiveness, to deflect responsibility and condemn the victim.  Christian gaslighting can take place on an institutional level with pastoral leadership failing to handle misconduct properly, and it can occur personally with a perpetrator using Christianity to deny their abusive behavior.  However, anyone can overcome Christian gaslighting through understanding how the Scriptures apply to abusive situations and by actively confronting religious institutions about their erroneous theology.